Nikki

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Pittsburgh, United States
35 Y/O wife to Tim and mom to Emma,Noah,Caleb, Stella and 2 babies in Heaven.Trying to walk in the path of the Lord and carrying my family with me. I love our 1902 home we purchased more 10 years ago. It is constantly evolving and goes through whatever changes my little heart desires. I love vintage treasures and I'm always on the hunt for them! My hope is that this blog will be a constant scrapbook for my family and home,a place to make new friends and just somewhere to lay out my thoughts,even if they aren't beautiful or inspiring. XoXo-Nikki

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

On Winter depression and gratitude.

I did take that walk yesterday.
It was good.
I was alone.
I am never alone.
The air was balmy.About 55*

I had hoped the walk would do me good. January is simply just never my month. The coldness sweeps in and seems to seep into my brain.Freezing whatever is in there that is supposed to make me smile. I don't like the thoughts that aren't frozen. Thoughts that I'm not good enough.That I am failing.That maybe some people are falling away from me. Perhaps that isn't true but some sort of defense mechanism in me tells me that I should reject them first.
I think I had this defense mechanism a long time ago. I kept doing this to the first boy I ever really thought I was in love with and one day he was just so tired of my games he told me he was done with me.(2 days before my birthday I might add.Jerk! That was the second worst August 27th of my life). But looking back I'm ok with this because a little over a year later I met my Tim who for the last 13+ years has always put up with me and the way Winter hurts me and the way the Spring thaws my brain and heart.



Source

This way of doubting myself makes me want to jump out of my own skin.
I hate it. 
Now I'm not putting all this out there to gain pity or anything like that. It just really does make me feel better just to put it down. It puts things in perspective and when things will feel better I can read this and feel even more thankful.

Despite what I have just typed I am thankful. In this moment of sadness and stupid,silly winter blahs.
I am.
Grateful.

  • for my husband and children. The people who give me purpose in this life.
  • for the rest of my family,especially a Mom who knows more than anyone that life can really suck but keeps keeping on anyways.
  • For friends who make an effort towards our friendship.
  • And most of all for my God. Even when I forgot about him he never forgot about me. 
I don't think another long walk is in the cards today.Winter came back and it is now about 30* less than yesterday. Funny how the sun shines so fiercely on days like this but it's warmth cannot be felt.

I love writing on here. I love sharing all that is fun and pleasant with me and my life. However I would never ever want to give the impression that my life is perfect and everything is just swell. Nobody has it like that. We are all broken people and sometimes life just seems to stink. Sometimes for no good reason at all.

I guess right now it's my turn for that.




1 comment:

tea said...

I can really identify with this. January & February are always difficult months for me. I'm asking God to help me each day.

Thanks for sharing! :)