|Found on Google Images|
I'm in a weird place today.I really want to feel Christmas.I want to feel it like I did as a child. I miss the magic and coziness it held.The anticipation! I hope that despite the way I feel my kids still hold excitement and wonder for the season. I hope I'm hiding my feelings well. I know now that growing up we didn't have a lot of money.But I didn't know that back then. I knew that I had a warm home with a family and food on the table every day.I had a mom who made the most wonderful,creative treats every year for Christmas Eve with the budget she had to work with. My Grammie and I would pretty much eat all of the artichoke dip between the 2 of us. I miss those Christmas',I miss her.
I'm trying really hard to concentrate on this season for what it's really worth.For the real meaning.Jesus is the greatest gift.A sweet little baby sent to redeem us all. All we have to do is ask. I've asked before but sometimes I feel like fall so hard I need to ask again. And when I feel like that,unworthy perhaps,is when I feel the most resistant to praying.When it's probably what I need the most.
Stagnant,lukewarm,ambivalent? All words that be used to explain my current state of mind these days.I miss going to church as a family.I miss leaving there and feeling sooo good and refreshed. I went in search of something new tonight but I knew by the end of the evening that while it's going to be a wonderful endeavor, it's certainly not for me/us. (Which is a little disappointing because I have a good friend who has a hand in it. I'm excited for her and hope she can forgive me when I tell her I'm not on board.) I felt a bit defeated on the way out. Why is finding a church so challenging? Did our old church really set the bar that high on some things?
On a good note,I think I see the light of the end of this tunnel that we call sickness. I can now taste my food so that's a start. But when I talk I don't sound like me. Well maybe I do- I think this is what I'll sound like in 50 years. So I'm glad I'm starting to feel better because I have to have 13 dozen thumbprints done by Sunday!!
Taking the Four to see Santa tomorrow night.Hoping we'll get a good picture worthy of sending out in our Christmas cards!