Nikki

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Pittsburgh, United States
35 Y/O wife to Tim and mom to Emma,Noah,Caleb, Stella and 2 babies in Heaven.Trying to walk in the path of the Lord and carrying my family with me. I love our 1902 home we purchased more 10 years ago. It is constantly evolving and goes through whatever changes my little heart desires. I love vintage treasures and I'm always on the hunt for them! My hope is that this blog will be a constant scrapbook for my family and home,a place to make new friends and just somewhere to lay out my thoughts,even if they aren't beautiful or inspiring. XoXo-Nikki

Sunday, January 31, 2010

January.

So tomorrow is February. That sure was fast. I like to think that before we know it the windows will be open and it will be light out right up until bedtime. But until then I will keep sneaking the heat up from 70 to 72 and day dreaming about wearing flip flops.

In the grand scheme of things January overall was good. Good in a way that we were busy but not too much that we couldn't take a breath.


January 22 came and went.I was not happy. I was not sad. The week after. Hmmm. Well. I suppose it hit me more. I don't know if it's my nature or I'm not trusting Jesus enough or what. But I just can't let this go. I feel like this has changed me a lot.I feel very bitter and jealous. Quite a few people I know had their babies this past week. So hard to be happy for people when I should have been in those shoes the same week. Some people will roll their eyes at this. Some people will think say 'She needs to move on'. Some may even say I'm selfish. Maybe all things are true. Perhaps not. But unless you learned you were having a baby, had dreams for said baby, thought of names,remembered how you fell in love with your husband all over again after every birth and envisioned your older children delighting in the arrival of the new baby all to have it be taken away(TWICE in 1 summer) then you really have no idea of how bad this had affected me. I want to let it go. I want to get on with my life but I am constantly reminded of what has happened.I look at my 3 year old and I'm so mad that he is not the big brother he deserves to be! Constantly thinking of how very,very badly I want to hold my next son or daughter. Constantly praying for God to take my pain away. I'm not sure what or when but I want this to show His Glory. I can't do that though if I can't get past this.

I'm not sure I came on here with the intention of spilling all of this out but when I do it's quite cathartic. I have also been keeping a prayer note book. When I want to talk to God I somewhat feel as I kind of zone out and put pen to paper and just write to him. I can go back and reference and pray on things. The perfect use for my expansive notebook and journal collection. I just can't resist pretty paper.

3 comments:

Webb Of Love said...

I want you to know I understand.

Webb Of Love said...

Your Welcome {{{{{}}}}} I hope your heart, one day, will be a peace. Its been 17 months since my loss and I feel better but I still miss my baby and would love another one.

Lacey Starr said...

I really doubt anyone thinks you're selfish for being sad or that there is a specific sadness timeline that you are violating. You take as much time as you need to feel stronger. I really hope you get that forth baby! But if it's not in the cards, I hope you'll take love and comfort in your friends and family. You obviously have a lot of people who love you!