Nikki

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Pittsburgh, United States
35 Y/O wife to Tim and mom to Emma,Noah,Caleb, Stella and 2 babies in Heaven.Trying to walk in the path of the Lord and carrying my family with me. I love our 1902 home we purchased more 10 years ago. It is constantly evolving and goes through whatever changes my little heart desires. I love vintage treasures and I'm always on the hunt for them! My hope is that this blog will be a constant scrapbook for my family and home,a place to make new friends and just somewhere to lay out my thoughts,even if they aren't beautiful or inspiring. XoXo-Nikki

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A mistake

I made a mistake. I decided to stop taking the Zoloft the dr. prescribed for me. I hated being on it. I didn't enjoy food.......I didn't laugh. I could talk about the babies with no emotion at all. That was the worst.

So I stopped taking it. And everything I've been holding in for the past few weeks came out. I started getting really nasty with the kids and Tim. The loves of my life and I would just fly off the handle. What is up with that? I start to cry in the middle of the kitchen when I realize there will be no bottles to wash next year.Ugh! I thought I was getting better. Since stopping I haven't done my bible study homework.....or my support group homework. I don't even want to go to that anymore and I don't even know why.

I'm taking a facebook break today. I've been saying some things that probably hurt others feelings.Not to mention I hide everyone that is pregnant or has a newborn. I'm up to 16 now. Yay for them ....boo for me.

I'm so awful and selfish. I know that I have been blessed 3 times over but I want more children.I want my children back!

My sweet (and only girl) turned 10 the other day. I know she is growing up and that we are doing a good job with her. A few days later my niece turned 3. She is adorable and so cute and petite. I felt so choked up pretty much knowing I'll never have a sweet tiny girl again. Our girl is preparing to be a teenager. No more little dresses and dollies. The other day she asked if she could wear deodorant.Why, Oh why couldn't she ask me for a new Barbie instead?

Why am I a crazy emotional wreck? When will these feelings fade without the help of a pill?Is my husband ever going to tell me he is sick of putting up with me and my blubbering idiot ways?

I want to try to get pregnant again but I'm just soo,soo scared. There is no way I can survive that again. It's already been 2 months since we lost Adam but it feels like yesterday. I don't even know him and I miss him so much. I see others sniffing their sweet babies heads and I just long for his. I dread January 22nd and April 2nd. I'm sure on those day's I will curl up into a ball and hide.

I hate that I have turned into this. That my passions for being a homemaking,decorating, cooking etc... have dissapeared. That I have been reduced to this. I miss those babies and I miss me.