I got a phone call on Monday. It was my OB with the results of the genetic testing on the baby we lost last month. She said they found no abnormalities and then asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I took a deep breath and said yes. 'A male, a healthy male.' For a second I instantly regretted knowing. If he was healthy why is he gone? It must be me. Why is this happening?
After I hung up Caleb walked in the room. I started to cry. I bet this little guy was to have almost white blond hair and beautiful blue eyes just like his big brothers. I imagined him running around and being silly with them. I imagined Emma surrounded by all of her little brothers. My heart ached all over again.
I talked with Tim later on and told him I wanted to name him. We agreed on Adam. It's biblical like his brothers. Adam Quentin because Quentin means 5 and he was our 5th child. We will never know if number 4 was a boy or a girl. I like to refer to that precious one as Riley.
Our 'group' at church has been a help. It's not so much a group as Tim and I are the only ones there along with Laurie who has been another special person sent from The Lord to help us along this journey.
We were also shown kindness from another family we had never met. Virginia brought us a delicious home cooked meal,a book on loss and an aloe plant for healing. It was a nice feeling knowing other people care for us. I myself have been making dinners for a family in need.To have the favor come back was awesome.
I agonize over the thought of losing these precious babies. I mourn for them daily but I have hope. I do. Jesus has been here with us every step of the way. He has sent his faithful servants to be here for us. When I feel healed I vow to return this favor to other women who are hurting in this awful way.